“Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ…“

– The Apostle Paul

Three Basic Steps to Help Your Husband Understand Panic

Lack of participation in family outings, too anxious or too exhausted for intimacy, feeling out of sync with the rest of your family, and isolation from family friends are just a few of the ways that frequent panic attacks impact a husband and wife as well as their children.  If you are a married woman who suffers from panic attacks you know how difficult it can be to navigate the marital issues resulting from frequent panic attacks.  If you’ve gotten as far as seeing your need for self help for panic attacks, then the next challenge is to get ready to actually begin.

Getting ready to launch your program of self help for panic attacks includes bringing your family members on board.  In particular, it’s good to have your husband’s support.  But before he can offer support he may need to understand more of what it’s like.  Here are three simple steps to begin doing just that:

1.  Listen Carefully to the Bad News

Christian marriage involves speaking the truth in love.  It means speaking honestly to each other.   But the flip side of speaking is listening even if it not pleasant to hear.  The first step is gear up to listen to some bad news from your husband:  ask about the impact of your panic attacks on him and on the family as a whole.  The most important thing here is listen without making it about you.  This is difficult because it may feel overcome by sadness and regret while he is talking.  Make sure you keep you focus on how this effecting him and not how sorry you are, how ashamed you are, or how much more suffering you have with your panic attacks.  It’s not a competition.  Furthermore, if you really listen to him you may find that it strengthens your resolve to start your program of self help for panic attacks.

2.  Put Yourself in His Place for a Moment

Second, empathize with him.  Try to put yourself in his place.  Here he is, married to a woman that seems to have a chronic condition that makes his life more difficult.  Just as you never know when panic will strike, so also he never knows when it will strike.  He never knows when he will suddenly have to do something that you both assumed that you would be able to do (picking up the kids from soccer practice, making dinner, etc.).  If you can find it in your heart to have two seconds of eye contact where you tell him you sincerely wish you could block the effects on him, then you have done this step.  If you have a family, then both your panic episodes and your efforts at self help for panic attacks have huge implications for the people you love most.

3.  Learn About Fearful Times in His Life Without Comparing

Third, ask about a few of the most frightening experiences of his life.  Make sure you ask clarification questions to bring out the details of his story.  Try to dig deep inside your heart to find some compassion for him in the experience or incidents he describes.  IMPORTANT:  Do not refer to your own experience of panic and don’t mention your program of self help for panic attacks during this conversation–that must be in a separate conversation and on a different day.  It’s also good to think about what he said for a day or two and send an email (or write a note) telling him you have been thinking about your conversations with him and the fear that he must have experienced earlier in his life.

Getting ready to start a program of self help for panic attacks goes more smoothly if you have the right kind of support.  You don’t need your husband to be telling you what to do.  You don’t need him to participate every step.  But you do need his spoken and unspoken encouragement to keep going.  Most importantly, you need him to understand that this is a major challenge for you.  If you do these three steps you may be glad you did when you embark on a journey of self help for panic attacks.

Self Help for Panic Attacks:  An Husband or Wife Can Give Needed Encouragement

One of the intangible success factors for any program of self help for panic attacks encouragement.  It’s often wise to take the time to enlist spouse to cheer you on.  The problem is that most people just don’t get it.  Unless they have experienced a panic attack themselves, it just doesn’t see like a big deal.  Furthermore, if you are thinking you need to deal with your panic attacks, then odds are that your wife or husband has already experienced a great deal of  frustration with the way panic attacks have impacted your lifestyle as a couple.  Few things put as much strain on a marriage as one person having frequent panic attacks.  Self help for panic attacks may be needed as urgently as is marriage counseling.

One of the drawbacks to self help for panic attacks is that it can be a bit lonely compared with having a coach or a therapist giving pointers and encouragement.  You can address this need by taking some time to help your husband or wife to:

1. See the value for your relationship if you are successful in your chosen program of self help for panic attacks.
2. Find a “job description” for exactly how to help.  A clearly defined role can help reduce tension and frustration for both of you.

Problem:  Panic Attacks Can be Difficult to Explain to a Spouse Who Hasn’t Experienced One

But it can very frustrating to try to explain to someone why a panic attack is such an overwhelming experience.  If they think panic attacks are no big deal, then how are they going to see your need for their encouragement while you engage in your program of self help for panic attacks.

How do you explain panic attacks to your husband or to your wife? How do you explain to someone what it’s like to have a panic attack, especially if they’ve never had one themselves?

If you’ve suffered from panic attacks, I am sure that you’ve had the situation where you were describing what happened to someone and they were looking at you rather strangely like they didn’t know what to do with what you were saying, or worse, they were judging you and thinking that you should have just snapped out of it.  This is particularly hard when you are married to the one who is judging you.

The First 3 Steps for Explaining Panic Attacks To Your Spouse

First, what you have to do is help them picture a time in their life when they were terrified.  Second, you ask them to tell you about the experience in detail.  But it has to be a time when they were really afraid for their life or the life of someone they care about.  “I saw my cousin beaten within an inch of death.”  Third, ask them to describe the feeling and what they felt in their body.

They will probably remember, but they may be hesitant to talk in detail about it.  They might remember their heart pounding, they might remember not being able to catch their breath, they might remember their skin feeling like it’s crawling, they might describe a numbness–some of the symptoms of panic attacks.  Let them know that your program of self help for panic attacks is a little like learning to relax in such an electrified situation.

Then, say, “Well, what a panic attack is, is if you felt all of those same things but you looked around and there didn’t seem to be any cause or any reason to be afraid; you just felt those feelings come over you with no danger in sight.”  Point out that such an experience would be even more difficult than the most frightening experience they could imagine.

Why is it more difficult?  Explain that, “In addition to all the terror there would be the  fear that you are going crazy because there is nothing in your immediate surroundings that is dangerous.”  Explain to them that one of the challenges of a program of self help for panic attacks is that it’s like fighting an invisible enemy.  So you ask them to imagine this overwhelmingly fearful experience that appears to have no reason for fear.

Most programs of self help for panic attacks involve a person choosing to put herself or himself into a situation that has caused panic for brief, controlled period of time.  If you are going to tame the tiger (panic) you have to move closer and closer to the tiger in a step by step fashion.

“Honey, Let’s Look at This One Step at a Time”

Now if they can’t recall a time when they’ve been really afraid, what you can do is just have them picture something that most people would understand as life-threatening.  For example, you could say, “It’s like if you were to walk out of a store late at night and you were held up at gunpoint, and you felt the barrel of the gun on the back of your head, and you had the feeling that very possibly this person would shoot you.”

It may be good to add, “You can imagine just the way your body would react to that, how the adrenaline would just kick in and activate your whole system for fight or flight. You might freeze, you might feel like throwing up, you might feel like you can’t get your breath. It’s just like a truck hit you.” It’s such a huge physical experience to have that much fear at one time.

So you have to explain it that way and then say, “Well, supposing you walked out of a store and you had that exact same experience except there was no one holding a gun to your head. There was no one there. You just felt all of those same panicky, terrified feelings and you had no clue where they were coming from.”  Conquering this kind of mysterious experience is the focus of self help for panic attacks.

Well, sometimes I’ve seen a glimmer of recognition in people’s eyes when I’ve explained it that way. And sometimes they say, “OK, I kind of see that. That would be pretty scary if you felt that without  anything going on around you.”

It can also help them see that getting through a panic attack is not just about pushing through it the way we do with most challenges. If you are successful at enlisting the encouragement of your spouse, then self help for panic attacks upgrades to team help for eliminating panic attacks.

Try to be as gentle and as patient as possible when you explain all this to your spouse.  Give them some time to digest it all.  However, don’t beat a dead horse.  It may just be that your husband or wife is just not going to be able or willing to be your primary encourager.  If this is the case, then don’t force the issue.  Instead, focus you energies on recruiting a good friend to cheer you on.  Start the process of explaining panic attacks all over again.  It may seem like a lot of work just to get started with self help for panic attacks, but it is most likely that it will prove to be worth it–especially if you enlist the help of someone who wants to give you genuine encouragement.  If that person happens to be your wife or husband then you may find that the entire process brings you closer together.

Who Will Advocate for Your Kids if You Don’t?

Starting  series of marriage councelling sessions can be an important way of caring for your children.  Unrelenting arguing between husband and wife is the perfect recipe for your child to develop an anxiety condition. The overwhelming emotions that the younger child feels combined with the sense of powerlessness to do anything about the problem eventually makes the child feel trapped.  When child knows mom and dad are in marriage councelling, he or she can relax because, in their minds, something is being done about the problem.  They don’t have to worry so much.

Child Anxiety Attacks

But when a child sees no solution her feeling of being trapped becomes the perfect soil for the symptoms of anxiety attacks. Just like adults, children experience fear, anxiety and apprehension. These are but normal emotional experiences that a person feels regardless of age. However, if anxiety becomes irrational, recurring and severe, and anxiety attacks happen without any apparent reason, and the reaction is disproportionate to the problem at hand, it can be a cause of concern.  Another benefit of marriage councelling in this case is that the parents may be a little more relaxed and thus have enough “mental space” to be attentive to how the conflicts are effecting the children.

This is why on the first signs of problem, have your child get proper diagnosis by a health professional to be able to rule out any possible causes and determine the right treatment to be applied. Since recurring anxiety attacks are often signs of an anxiety disorder, it is important to know what happens to a child who is suffering from a particular disorder.

To be able to identify it, here are the following symptoms:

1. Frequent feeling of fear and panic
2. Bed wetting
3. Tantrums and excessive crying
4. Fear of making mistakes
5. Fear of getting embarrassed
6. Avoidance of certain activities such as school event and summer camps
7. Nightmares and night terrors
8. Compulsive behaviors
9. Resistance to any change
10. Low self-esteem, lack of confidence
11. Overly shy and difficulty making friends
12. Chronic physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches without any apparent reason, or, “Mommy, I can’t breathe…”

Symptoms of Anxiety Attacks in Your Child

The symptoms of anxiety attacks in your child one time does not constitute an anxiety disorder.  Only when panic attacks become recurring does it suggest an anxiety “condition.”  However, by the time a parent notices one panic attack, the odds are that the child has already had other attacks previously that escaped notice.

A child is under an anxiety attack if he shows the following symptoms:

• Gush of overwhelming panic
• Hot flashes or chills
• Trouble breathing or choking sensation
• Feeling of loosing control or going crazy
• Feeling and fear of dying
• Feeling unreal or detach
• Nausea or stomach cramps
• Hyperventilation. IMPORTANT NOTE:  When your child says, “It’s hard to breathe,” or “I can’t get enough air…” then he or she may be reporting hyperventilation and it’s good to ask about the other symptoms of panic attacks.
• Shaking or trembling
• Feeling like passing out
• Chest pain or heart palpitation

Different children of different ages or even of the same age may manifest different symptoms. Moreover, some of the symptoms given may be considered as a normal behavior of a child when there are no other symptoms. Thus it is a bit tricky to determine if he or she is really having an attack or not. What should be done is to recognize these symptoms and consider them as a reason of concern, then help your child deal with these symptoms through the following: Seek help from health professional at least once to get a good diagnostic read.  Many parents do not do this.  Why?  Because if they are avoiding marriage councelling for themselves, then they may also be in denial about what all the marital tension is doing to the kids.

Effectively stopping anxiety attacks begins with recognition and followed by a compete diagnosis from your medical doctor. A full medical examination should be administered in order to rule out any other physical causes unrelated to anxiety. Doctors usually give prescription medications to help relieve anxiety.  SSRI antidepressants are the best because they are not addictive and they give the child much-needed relief so that they can work with a psychologist on natural ways to deal with the anxiety.

Self Help for Panic Attacks…for Your Son or Daughter

Parents may seek the help of books available for treating child anxiety. This is also very effective in teaching parents strategies for responsible parenting, which improve parent-child relationship and help build child self-confidence and self-esteem. Play therapy – is the child version of exposure therapy. As an effective child anxiety treatment, play therapy uses the power of play to simulate each fearful situation in a controlled environment, which then helps the child face the problem and come up with a solution.

Causes of Child Anxiety Attacks

Child anxiety, just like that of adults, is a normal, healthy emotion felt as a response to certain stimuli. But when anxiety becomes recurring, irrational and intense, it may be considered as a disorder. Episodes of anxiety attacks can disable the child from performing his daily duties in school and at home. And while it is generally safe, anxiety attacks can affect how the child lives.

What’s the Big Deal?

Recurring panic attacks almost always have a negative impact on a child’s ability to concentrate in school, enjoy play, and sleep well. Panic attacks create dysfunction in a child’s socializing. Since children are more fragile, they more vulnerable to such attacks and the effects of these attacks may be more severe than to adults.  If a child is not having impaired concentration from the tension between mom and dad, then the panic attacks will certainly impair concentration.  Marriage councelling can become the first step in facing what is happening in the family as a whole.

But what causes anxiety attacks?   Two of the most common reasons of anxiety attacks are school phobia or separation anxiety.  But these may be masking the root cause:  fear that mom and dad are going to get a divorce.   Sometimes an anxiety attack is brought about by unresolved internal issues , which are not directly connected with the trigger. For example, a child who experiences a death of a loved one may panic whenever a certain reminders of death or loss come up in a TV show.  Or, overhearing an argument between mom and dad can trigger the feelings of previous fears and losses.  The traumatic experience that he or she went through in the past which are not processed properly can come out, in this case through an attack.

A child may also show episodes of anxiety attacks because the problem at hand reminded him or her about family conflicts. Fighting in the family as well as anticipating the divorce of parents may be traumatic to a child that when witnessing a similar situation, he or she goes into a panic.  If you marriage problems have been going on for more than two months, it’s best to swallow your pride and schedule an initial session of marriage councelling.

To Save a Marriage Requires Effort in the Right Direction:  Marriage Councelling May Be Needed

If a Christian couple has a struggling marriage, then God will fix it for them, right?  Wrong!  Most of us have had the experience of trying fix something without having the right tools.  If our perseverance leads us to a solution than we can feel rewarded for our headaches and frustration.  However, when we throw more effort at something and repeatedly experience disappointment, we can drive ourselves into a place of cynicism and despair.  If we have prayed for God to “make our marriage a good one,” we can be doubly disappointed when we don’t see any improvement.  Sometimes marriage councelling is necessary because we are too close to see the sign pasted on our backs that says, “I’m stubborn.”

Think of how little most couples ever seriously look into acquiring new skills and tools to be a good lover, a good friend, a good listener.  When the pipes burst and your house is flooding, it’s usually not a great time to learn plumbing skills.  We need to spend effort learning to do things within our reach that can make for a better marriage.  Why is it such a blow to our pride to get training (i.e., marriage councelling)  for the very foundations of our family life?

Expectations Need Calibration

Good marriage councelling can help calibrate our expectations with reality.   In recent decades, there has a growing trend for people to set  up expectations for marriage and for life itself that set the stage for disappointment.  On the surface this sounds like couples just wish to live fully and with passion.  In fact, I often ask couples if they are just settling for something that is less than what they can experience together in the way of joy, pleasure, purpose, and life-giving interaction.

The problem is not so much with high expectations of marriage or for one’s spouse.  Rather, it’s the nature of the expectations:  “I want you to fulfill my needs and make me happy, but I don’t want to expend efforts on the relationship unless it’s squarely in my comfort zone.”  Good marriage councelling doesn’t make you “settle.”  Rather, it helps you reach for the really good things that can be obtained.

“Now,” you say, “who says that?”  Perhaps no one.  Nobody states their expectation so bluntly, but it’s often a fitting summary of the overall stance that a husband takes toward his wife, or the attitude that a wife has toward her husband.
When marriage problems surface it’s important for one person to make a decision to acquire a new set of skills.  When this happens it may or may not produce more conflict.  if the skills and tools are sought with courage (“I’m scared, but I want to pursue something good”), the smallest effort can cause rings of positive changes to ripple through the marriage much like a small stone can cause ripples throughout a pond.  This is, of course, very different from throwing stones AT each other.  Marriage councelling during the crisis can be so helpful because it helps you focus your small efforts in a direction that is more likely to get positive results.

Timing is Important

Why don’t couples seek marriage councelling earlier in the unfolding of their marriage crisis?  Pride.  Also, one of the problems is that there is a widespread belief that whoever is at fault should be the one that should expend the most effort to save a marriage.  To flip this idea around, it becomes a belief that has the following logic:  “if I initiate the effort to make a change, then I am conceding that the problems are my fault!”  This is a recipe for a stalemate.

Another problem arises because people assume that “trying harder” to save the marriage means that you do what your partner wants.  This is tricky because it is good to try to please one’s spouse.  However, sometimes what a spouse wants is something that isn’t good and it’s really bad for the relationship.  So, a wife might wrongly conclude that “trying harder” equates to stop nagging her husband about how much alcohol he consumes. Or, a husband might mistakenly suppose that “trying harder” means that he should go along with his wife’s desire to not talk about the problem.  In reality, trying harder to save a marriage equates to listening, learning, and taking steps that use the conflict for growth…even if the tension becomes greater temporarily.  Marriage councelling with a skillful therapist can help refocus exactly what you are praying for, what you are working for, and the steps to get there.

I Hope to Make You Think…with the Mind of Christ

I am excited about this blog site because it is an opportunity for me to speak informally about my thoughts and observations about individuals trying to make sense of married life, entering the divorce recovery process, or contemplating the challenges of remarriage.  I welcome your questions and will try to answer as many as possible either through an article, an audio post, or a short video.  Just post your question in the comments section below.  I hope you will also check out one of my other sites:  TuneYourHeart.com.

I Hope to Make You Laugh  (Trivia Below)

You may find it a bit amusing that I am a marriage counselor who can’t spell “marriage councelling.”  Don’t worry, the mispelling throughout the site is intentional for indexing purposes which also means that I want people to find this site so that they can benefit from it.  I am also smiling as I write this because it very possible that this site will attract a community of people who all have one thing in common:  they are prone to type marriage councelling instead of marriage counseling (the correct spelling).

I Hope to Expose You to Good Resources and Tools

As I write this I am preparing online courses for Christians facing some tough challenges in life.  Christian suffering involves enduring with patience the difficulties that are unavoidable and which work to refine our character “even by fire.”  But suffering as a Christian also means that we access wisdom to avoid unnecessary misery for ourselves and others.  In my experience most people, including me, are prone to confuse necessary and unnecessary suffering.