“Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ…“

– The Apostle Paul

Three Basic Steps to Help Your Husband Understand Panic

Lack of participation in family outings, too anxious or too exhausted for intimacy, feeling out of sync with the rest of your family, and isolation from family friends are just a few of the ways that frequent panic attacks impact a husband and wife as well as their children.  If you are a married woman who suffers from panic attacks you know how difficult it can be to navigate the marital issues resulting from frequent panic attacks.  If you’ve gotten as far as seeing your need for self help for panic attacks, then the next challenge is to get ready to actually begin.

Getting ready to launch your program of self help for panic attacks includes bringing your family members on board.  In particular, it’s good to have your husband’s support.  But before he can offer support he may need to understand more of what it’s like.  Here are three simple steps to begin doing just that:

1.  Listen Carefully to the Bad News

Christian marriage involves speaking the truth in love.  It means speaking honestly to each other.   But the flip side of speaking is listening even if it not pleasant to hear.  The first step is gear up to listen to some bad news from your husband:  ask about the impact of your panic attacks on him and on the family as a whole.  The most important thing here is listen without making it about you.  This is difficult because it may feel overcome by sadness and regret while he is talking.  Make sure you keep you focus on how this effecting him and not how sorry you are, how ashamed you are, or how much more suffering you have with your panic attacks.  It’s not a competition.  Furthermore, if you really listen to him you may find that it strengthens your resolve to start your program of self help for panic attacks.

2.  Put Yourself in His Place for a Moment

Second, empathize with him.  Try to put yourself in his place.  Here he is, married to a woman that seems to have a chronic condition that makes his life more difficult.  Just as you never know when panic will strike, so also he never knows when it will strike.  He never knows when he will suddenly have to do something that you both assumed that you would be able to do (picking up the kids from soccer practice, making dinner, etc.).  If you can find it in your heart to have two seconds of eye contact where you tell him you sincerely wish you could block the effects on him, then you have done this step.  If you have a family, then both your panic episodes and your efforts at self help for panic attacks have huge implications for the people you love most.

3.  Learn About Fearful Times in His Life Without Comparing

Third, ask about a few of the most frightening experiences of his life.  Make sure you ask clarification questions to bring out the details of his story.  Try to dig deep inside your heart to find some compassion for him in the experience or incidents he describes.  IMPORTANT:  Do not refer to your own experience of panic and don’t mention your program of self help for panic attacks during this conversation–that must be in a separate conversation and on a different day.  It’s also good to think about what he said for a day or two and send an email (or write a note) telling him you have been thinking about your conversations with him and the fear that he must have experienced earlier in his life.

Getting ready to start a program of self help for panic attacks goes more smoothly if you have the right kind of support.  You don’t need your husband to be telling you what to do.  You don’t need him to participate every step.  But you do need his spoken and unspoken encouragement to keep going.  Most importantly, you need him to understand that this is a major challenge for you.  If you do these three steps you may be glad you did when you embark on a journey of self help for panic attacks.

Self Help for Panic Attacks:  An Husband or Wife Can Give Needed Encouragement

One of the intangible success factors for any program of self help for panic attacks encouragement.  It’s often wise to take the time to enlist spouse to cheer you on.  The problem is that most people just don’t get it.  Unless they have experienced a panic attack themselves, it just doesn’t see like a big deal.  Furthermore, if you are thinking you need to deal with your panic attacks, then odds are that your wife or husband has already experienced a great deal of  frustration with the way panic attacks have impacted your lifestyle as a couple.  Few things put as much strain on a marriage as one person having frequent panic attacks.  Self help for panic attacks may be needed as urgently as is marriage counseling.

One of the drawbacks to self help for panic attacks is that it can be a bit lonely compared with having a coach or a therapist giving pointers and encouragement.  You can address this need by taking some time to help your husband or wife to:

1. See the value for your relationship if you are successful in your chosen program of self help for panic attacks.
2. Find a “job description” for exactly how to help.  A clearly defined role can help reduce tension and frustration for both of you.

Problem:  Panic Attacks Can be Difficult to Explain to a Spouse Who Hasn’t Experienced One

But it can very frustrating to try to explain to someone why a panic attack is such an overwhelming experience.  If they think panic attacks are no big deal, then how are they going to see your need for their encouragement while you engage in your program of self help for panic attacks.

How do you explain panic attacks to your husband or to your wife? How do you explain to someone what it’s like to have a panic attack, especially if they’ve never had one themselves?

If you’ve suffered from panic attacks, I am sure that you’ve had the situation where you were describing what happened to someone and they were looking at you rather strangely like they didn’t know what to do with what you were saying, or worse, they were judging you and thinking that you should have just snapped out of it.  This is particularly hard when you are married to the one who is judging you.

The First 3 Steps for Explaining Panic Attacks To Your Spouse

First, what you have to do is help them picture a time in their life when they were terrified.  Second, you ask them to tell you about the experience in detail.  But it has to be a time when they were really afraid for their life or the life of someone they care about.  “I saw my cousin beaten within an inch of death.”  Third, ask them to describe the feeling and what they felt in their body.

They will probably remember, but they may be hesitant to talk in detail about it.  They might remember their heart pounding, they might remember not being able to catch their breath, they might remember their skin feeling like it’s crawling, they might describe a numbness–some of the symptoms of panic attacks.  Let them know that your program of self help for panic attacks is a little like learning to relax in such an electrified situation.

Then, say, “Well, what a panic attack is, is if you felt all of those same things but you looked around and there didn’t seem to be any cause or any reason to be afraid; you just felt those feelings come over you with no danger in sight.”  Point out that such an experience would be even more difficult than the most frightening experience they could imagine.

Why is it more difficult?  Explain that, “In addition to all the terror there would be the  fear that you are going crazy because there is nothing in your immediate surroundings that is dangerous.”  Explain to them that one of the challenges of a program of self help for panic attacks is that it’s like fighting an invisible enemy.  So you ask them to imagine this overwhelmingly fearful experience that appears to have no reason for fear.

Most programs of self help for panic attacks involve a person choosing to put herself or himself into a situation that has caused panic for brief, controlled period of time.  If you are going to tame the tiger (panic) you have to move closer and closer to the tiger in a step by step fashion.

“Honey, Let’s Look at This One Step at a Time”

Now if they can’t recall a time when they’ve been really afraid, what you can do is just have them picture something that most people would understand as life-threatening.  For example, you could say, “It’s like if you were to walk out of a store late at night and you were held up at gunpoint, and you felt the barrel of the gun on the back of your head, and you had the feeling that very possibly this person would shoot you.”

It may be good to add, “You can imagine just the way your body would react to that, how the adrenaline would just kick in and activate your whole system for fight or flight. You might freeze, you might feel like throwing up, you might feel like you can’t get your breath. It’s just like a truck hit you.” It’s such a huge physical experience to have that much fear at one time.

So you have to explain it that way and then say, “Well, supposing you walked out of a store and you had that exact same experience except there was no one holding a gun to your head. There was no one there. You just felt all of those same panicky, terrified feelings and you had no clue where they were coming from.”  Conquering this kind of mysterious experience is the focus of self help for panic attacks.

Well, sometimes I’ve seen a glimmer of recognition in people’s eyes when I’ve explained it that way. And sometimes they say, “OK, I kind of see that. That would be pretty scary if you felt that without  anything going on around you.”

It can also help them see that getting through a panic attack is not just about pushing through it the way we do with most challenges. If you are successful at enlisting the encouragement of your spouse, then self help for panic attacks upgrades to team help for eliminating panic attacks.

Try to be as gentle and as patient as possible when you explain all this to your spouse.  Give them some time to digest it all.  However, don’t beat a dead horse.  It may just be that your husband or wife is just not going to be able or willing to be your primary encourager.  If this is the case, then don’t force the issue.  Instead, focus you energies on recruiting a good friend to cheer you on.  Start the process of explaining panic attacks all over again.  It may seem like a lot of work just to get started with self help for panic attacks, but it is most likely that it will prove to be worth it–especially if you enlist the help of someone who wants to give you genuine encouragement.  If that person happens to be your wife or husband then you may find that the entire process brings you closer together.